I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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