Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
