Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
