took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize