Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
