So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
