New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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