I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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