dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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