I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if only i could text you this smell
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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