Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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