I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
