I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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