You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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