I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
