I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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