omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
