so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
