I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
