Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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