I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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