Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
