I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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