just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dignity is for republicans.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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