im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
