You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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