I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
