totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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