Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
