I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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