i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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