I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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