I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
