someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
soo... how was my night?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
