How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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