Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
