ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
