the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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