I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
