i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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