Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
