I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i now understand why vodka
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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