i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
