i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
