He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
