tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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