Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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