We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
