Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
