she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
