I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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