Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
