You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
