i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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