Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
