he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
