paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
