Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
