When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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