I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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