you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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