i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
